How your baby becomes independent
Your baby won’t realize that they’re their own separate person until they’re about 6 or 7 months old. While this is exciting for them, it also makes them anxious about being separated from you. Giving your child plenty of love and support will help them learn to be independent: They need a secure attachment to you before they can confidently explore their world.
As a newborn, babies have no sense of themselves as individuals. Your baby thinks that the two of you are one and doesn’t realize that the tiny hands and feet waving before them are their own.
Over time, though, as your growing baby develops physically and mentally, they’ll gradually figure out that they’re their own little person, with their own body, thoughts, and feelings. Of course, your baby will also want to do things their own way.
When do babies realize they’re separate from a parent?
Your baby’s sense of individuality will take years to develop. At around 6 or 7 months old, your baby begins to realize that they’re separate from you and that you can leave them alone. This is when separation anxiety usually kicks in, and it can last well into the second year.
Once your child becomes more social, and more confident that you will, in fact, come back when you leave them at daycare or with a sitter, they’ll be able to move forward and forge their own identity.
By the toddler years, your child’s growing independence may have blossomed enough to cause some problems: Wanting things “my way” is at the heart of many temper tantrums. This is an expected part of development and not something to be corrected or punished. Try to offer your toddler choices to help give them more of a sense of control.
How your baby’s independence develops
1 to 6 months
At first, your baby will completely identify with their primary caregiver. They’re working on gaining control over their basic movements and reflexes, and aren’t ready to start the process of forming their own identity. Your baby’s primary concern is filling their immediate needs for food, love, and attention.
You may start to notice the first signs of budding independence at about 4 months, when your baby discovers that they can cry to get your attention. That’s one of the first steps in learning that they have an independent will. Babies realize how they behave can have an impact on others – namely you.
A famous study shows exactly how unaware babies are of their own existence. Researchers placed several infants under the age of 1 in front of a mirror to see whether they understood that the reflections were images of themselves.
They didn’t. The babies would pat their mirror images, behaving as if they were seeing another baby. And when researchers dabbed red rouge on the babies’ noses and plopped them back in front of the mirror, they always tried to touch their reflections’ noses, not their own.
7 to 12 months
At around 7 months old, your baby will realize that they’re independent of you. While this is an exciting cognitive milestone, this new understanding of separateness can make your baby anxious. Your baby knows that you can leave them, but doesn’t know that you’ll always come back, so they’re likely to burst into tears when you leave, even for a minute.
Resist the urge to sneak away when your baby’s back is turned – when you leave them at daycare, for example. It won’t help your baby cope, and it may just make them more afraid that you aren’t coming back. Create a consistent ritual where you say a loving but quick goodbye, and then leave.
13 to 24 months
Your toddler is making progress in differentiating from you and from the world around them. In the same study mentioned above, researchers put rouge on the noses of children about 21 months of age. When these toddlers looked in the mirror, they touched their own noses: They understood that the reflections in the mirrors were images of themselves.
Your 2-year-old may still get upset when you leave them at daycare or with a sitter, but they’ll probably recover more quickly. Experience and their budding memory skills have taught them that you’ll come back after being gone for a while. You’ve built your child’s trust by continually showing them that you love and care for them.
It’s also this trust that gives your child the confidence to assert themselves. Their insistence on wearing those green pajamas for the fifth day in a row, eating only certain foods, and climbing into their car seat by themselves are all signs of increasing independence.
25 to 36 months
Between the ages of 2 and 3, your child will continue to struggle for independence. They’ll wander farther away from you as they go exploring, and they’ll continue to test limits (coloring on the walls, for example, even if you tell them not to). In fact, “I do it myself” is probably one of the most common refrains you’ll hear. Instead of punishing unwanted behavior, understand that your child’s self-control is still under development. Try using redirection and setting boundaries such as putting the crayons away and offering a choice between two other activities.
How to raise an independent baby and child
Your child needs a secure attachment to you before they can take steps away and explore their world. Consistently respond to your baby’s cries and attempts at interaction with love and support, and they’ll build the confidence they need to strike out on their own.
Beginning when your baby is an infant, react quickly to your baby’s cries. Build that crucial bond by feeding your baby when they’re hungry, changing their diapers when they’re dirty, and smiling and talking with your baby when they’re alert.
You can play games with your baby to enhance their understanding of separation and return (so they learn not to panic when you leave for a bit). For example, play peek-a-boo by covering your face or ducking behind a piece of furniture, or hide a toy beneath a blanket and find it together. Not only do these games teach a lesson, but the interaction also fosters your baby’s sense of closeness to you.
To develop independence, your child needs to test limits and explore their surroundings, so provide them with a safe, baby proofed home. Instead of saying “no” every time your baby touches something that could harm them, keep dangerous objects out of reach and plenty of safe ones within it.
Once your baby becomes a toddler, encourage independence and a growing sense of self by giving them choices and things they can do on their own. A choice between two outfits, snacks, or afternoon activities allows your child to think for themself.
Keep in mind that just because your child is starting to break out on their own doesn’t mean they’ll require less of your comfort and love. While your child may grow less needy, they still crave your constant care.
Encourage your child any time they try something on their own, but don’t push them away when they run back to you for support. They’ll want and need your reassurance for a long time to come.
With age comes greater independence and self-awareness. Each year will bring more things that your child will want to do on their own. As your child gets older, they’ll become more knowledgeable about themself and the scope of their abilities.
